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Enneagram RANTS: Why I Hate Type 2s- “The Helper”

Disclaimer: This is more me trying to pull a splinter out of my mind than a true balanced evaluation of Enneagram Type 2s. All types are created equally, and all have productive and unproductive traits. I love anyone who acts as a healthy person. This rant really exposes me as someone who gets frustrated at average and unhealthy behavior. Its not meant to be taken 100% seriously, it’s more of me expressing my anger.

enneagram type two

An Enneagram Type Two who loves you won’t leave you the hell alone. It’s like they got struck by cupid’s arrow. If they are a family member (a Type Two is a stereotypical smothering mother) they won’t give you any space. They don’t like to boss you around directly like a Type 8 does; they prefer to manipulate your emotions through guilt and co-dependency. They love to break down any privacy or barriers you put up. They do not like closed doors- literally.

Enneagram Type Twos are drama queens, and stereotypical Jewish American Princesses: they believe the world revolves around them. They have no realization that they create pocket universes where they are the self-appointed Goddesses in which all their pawns must pay tribute. They live in a skewed reality of self-importance and selfishness. If you dare tell them that their needs for attention, help, and bonding are selfish, they will flip out and have a nervous breakdown, but not before lashing out at you and turning against you. You see, they really think they are saints and martyrs. Twos are completely feeling based. Their feelings will cloud their judgment, instincts, and even survival mechanisms.

Enneagram Type Twos want to avoid pain, aging, death, and want to be loved by everyone. They “just” want to be happy- all the time! As you can see, those are hopeless, unrealistic, and juvenile desires. Nay, not juvenile- childish, as in a 5 or 6 year old. No- I take it back INFANTILE, as in a 2 year old. You know why Twos still look good well past retirement age? They are like Peter Pan- they live in Never-never Land. They are kids who never mature. They still get crushes on celebrities and musicians. They adorn their houses with pink, butterflies, and dolls.

They throw temper tantrums, are hypochondriacs, get addicted to pain killers, hold grudges, and are ruled by their emotions. They are moody and go from being excitable about the most mundane things to crashing down into a world painted black. They want people to make exceptions for them because they expect everyone to be as “nice” as they are. If they don’t have the correct amount of change for a bus, they expect the bus driver to allow them on anyway. They have no respect for laws, etiquette, or social norms when it comes to expecting to be treated nicely. If they are your girlfriends, they won’t stop texting you until your reply back even if you are at work or…believe it or not…busy! A Two can’t understand that you could be busy without them. They can’t understand that another world lives outside of their own bubble universe.

Enneagram Type 2’s worry to much. They are the stereotypical den-mother who always thinks something bad will happen to their kids if they are not around to help out. The irony of all ironies is that the Two can’t even help themselves. Therefore they force co-dependent relationships. They will eventually make you a mental cripple- just like they are! They can’t make it in this world by themselves and fear loneliness. They can’t be left alone with their thoughts because they constantly make up shit to worry about!

Professionally, they make good nurses, personal assistants, day care teachers, animal rescue, babysitting, social workers, family counselling, advising, and other roles where their helping is of good use. Anything is is going to be a struggle for them. You never want one being the real boss or doing anything with hardcore tech. Since they are not rational, they do not “think rationally” like an engineer or computer programmer.

The Twos I know love to go after Type Fours for being rebels and hate Type Ones for being too by-the-book. Eight-Two couples are common. A Seven-Two couple is stereotypical and probably what everyone thinks about as an average masculine-feminine couple. A Two and Nine works well as parent-child and as a couple. A Two and Five is a living example of opposites attracting. A double-Two relationship will be unhealthy, an unfortunately in my experience it seems that families are overrun with mother-daughter double Twos: they both will compete for Daddy’s attention.  Of course Twos aren’t that picky- they are shallow. A Two can be tricked by a Type 3 easily. They are your stereotypical groupies; in other words, they can be charmed by any type. But they ought to be looking for Type Sixes since they don’t mind equal partners or being babied.

If you are a Type Two reading this, I just have a word of advice if you really want to “help”: people will love you more if you stop nagging, babying, and talk to them every day. Give your loved ones space. Cut the cord. People will value you dial it down a notch or three. Get a fucking hobby.

From https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-2/:

Healthy Levels

Level 1 (At Their Best): Become deeply unselfish, humble, and altruistic: giving unconditional love to self and others. Feel it is a privilege to be in the lives of others.

Level 2: Empathetic, compassionate, feeling for others. Caring and concerned about their needs. Thoughtful, warm-hearted, forgiving and sincere.

Level 3: Encouraging and appreciative, able to see the good in others. Service is important, but takes care of self too: they are nurturing, generous, and giving—a truly loving person.

Average Levels

Level 4: Want to be closer to others, so start “people pleasing,” becoming overly friendly, emotionally demonstrative, and full of “good intentions” about everything. Give seductive attention: approval, “strokes,” flattery. Love is their supreme value, and they talk about it constantly.

Level 5: Become overly intimate and intrusive: they need to be needed, so they hover, meddle, and control in the name of love. Want others to depend on them: give, but expect a return: send double messages. Enveloping and possessive: the codependent, self-sacrificial person who cannot do enough for others—wearing themselves out for everyone, creating needs for themselves to fulfill.

Level 6: Increasingly self-important and self-satisfied, feel they are indispensable, although they overrate their efforts in others’ behalf. Hypochondria, becoming a “martyr” for others. Overbearing, patronizing, presumptuous.

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: Can be manipulative and self-serving, instilling guilt by telling others how much they owe them and make them suffer. Abuse food and medication to “stuff feelings” and get sympathy. Undermine people, making belittling, disparaging remarks. Extremely self-deceptive about their motives and how aggressive and/or selfish their behavior is.

Level 8: Domineering and coercive: feel entitled to get anything they want from others: the repayment of old debts, money, sexual favors.

Level 9: Able to excuse and rationalize what they do since they feel abused and victimized by others and are bitterly resentful and angry. Somatization of their aggressions results in chronic health problems as they vindicate themselves by “falling apart” and burdening others. Generally corresponds to the Histrionic Personality Disorder and Factitious Disorder.

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